for a person who doesn't exist

Sometimes loving is all you can do if you lack the power to do anything else.

I would love to be kissed tenderly while being held or having my sides rubbed and melting into the warmth... I think this is what I long for the most: I just want to be the sole object of your affection. I want to give my everything to you, we can share everything. I can share your burdens, too. I love you for all you are.

You may only be theoretical, a concept I'm projecting all of my hopes for the future onto and all of the affection in my heart with no place to go onto, but you are everything to me.

I want the real thing so bad. I keep waiting, but I know it isn't enough. I'm aware, I must take it upon myself to build this dream. You can only do so much when you're climbing out of a hole every day and your limbs are made of the weight of the universe, and the exit is always right there, tantalizingly close yet right outside of your reach because you won't let yourself actually go for it. For now, until I find the courage in myself, all I am doing is loving.

I actively sabotage myself everyday, I bleed out my strength and courage every day as I push myself away from the escape, yet I still simultaenously desperately push myself towards it. Even I confuse myself. In fact, I confuse myself the most. Until I can become a little braver and stronger on my own accord, the best I can do is love.